Are you starting a new relationship and realizing that the guy you’re dating isn’t perfect and wondering, “Should I settle for… (fill in the blank)?” If so, this blog post is made for you!

You are likely a fantastic, badass woman. And as a fantastic, badass woman, there are a few  things you should never settle for. Buuuuuuuuut, having wildly high standards that might be unreasonable could also keep you from finding a fulfilling relationship.

Girl, I have spent many years as a therapist and a coach.  I have talked to thousands of women.  And let me tell you this….I have seen more women than I can count make the same dating mistakes again and again. Smart, accomplished, amazing women!  Geez, I wrote an entire program based on the mistakes I have routinely and consistently seen women make.  And now you can benefit from all of that hard earned wisdom. 

Let’s go.

Should I settle for poor communication when starting a new relationship?

Ummmmm, No.
Look-obviously it’s important that you first communicate your expectations to the person you’re dating when starting a new relationship. For instance, If you expect him to return a text from you fairly soon after receiving it, please let him know that this is important to you.  Don’t expect him to read your mind.  

Once you’ve communicated expectations, and assuming he’s agreed to do his best to meet those expectations, if those expectations are then left unmet, then that is an issue. If you tell him that honesty is super important to you but you keep catching him in lies, then that is an issue. It is perfectly ok for you to ask for what you need.  And it is perfectly ok for him to ignore said needs. But if that is what’s happening, you are free to cut him loose.  

Poor communication can also show itself in lack of emotional intimacy, lack of transparency or emotional unavailability.  If communication is at the top of your must have list and this guy can’t or won’t communicate, then you have some important data regarding the viability of this relationship.  To stay with him will be to settle. I would never recommend that you stay with a guy who can’t or won’t give you the things you feel you must have in a relationship. That just leads to disappointment and loads of resentment.  

Should I settle for “sketchiness” when starting a new relationship?

Ummmmmmmmm, No. 

It can be sooooo easy to make excuses to explain away his behavior.  Even if his story doesn’t add up. But if your gut is telling you that he’s a player or that he’s up to something,  it’s ok for you to bail.  You don’t need to catch him in the act or wait until the next time he acts sketchy to end it.  You can decide this relationship isn’t what you want even without concrete proof to present to him.  

If he’s generally being secretive, acting weird about his phone, or telling you things that just don’t seem to add up, all of that is valuable information about who this guy is.  And you get to decide if you want these qualities in a guy you’re dating. 

But don’t settle for sketchiness! It doesn’t lead anywhere good. 

Should I settle for manipulation when starting a new relationship?

NO!!!!!!!  But let’s define manipulation. It sounds serious, right? Maybe you’re more familiar with the term “gaslighting.” 

To put it simply, if  a guy tries to make you think you are crazy for thinking something or saying something, you are likely being manipulated.  If you try to talk to him about a concern you have and he turns it around on you telling you that you have issues or you are nuts, you are likely being manipulated. 

Maybe he’s compared you to his “crazy” ex or listed all of the  things he thinks are wrong with you.   Maybe it’s easier for him to deflect and not talk with you about your concerns-but instead to slyly change the subject, putting you in the position of having to defend your feelings or your sanity.  Maybe he’s ignoring your concerns about his communication style and sketchiness. And that is just not cool.

When you’re starting a new relationship, please don’t settle for someone who manipulates you or gaslights you.  It will likely just get worse and more toxic-get out before that happens. 

Should I settle for less than 100% of my relationship wish list?

The answer to this question depends on your dating checklist. How thoughtfully have you considered what is on that list? How critically have you evaluated that list? Ideally you want to be looking for someone who is kind, honest, faithful, reliable-stuff like that.  If qualities like those are at the top of the list, you’re ahead of the game!  

But if your must have list has things like height requirements, hair color requirements and other more superficial things, I would highly encourage you to reevaluate your priorities and spend some time getting really clear about what is a must have and what is a dealbreaker. 
You are in luck!!!!!  I have a free resource that will help you get clarity around your dating checklist and the soundness of your list.  And my course, “Stop Dating Assholes!” will help you become more strategic and purposeful in dating. No more swiping all over the place and collecting dating horror stories.  Let’s do dating differently.    I’m here to support you as you continue to ask yourself and future dates the hard questions. Dating can be fun and it’s possible to enjoy the journey.  I promise.