Am I a bad mom?: How to deal with parenting guilt
So you sometimes wonder if you’re a bad mom? Join the club as you are in good company! Not sure how to deal with parenting guilt? Here is my question for you: Are you an Amy, a Carla, or a Kiki?
Remember the 2016 film Bad Moms? It follows Amy and her friends on a wild night out after she discovers her husband is cheating on her with a cam girl.
Each of the moms had wildly different approaches to parenting. Which of the three main characters did you most identify with? If you didn’t see the movie or forgot the specifics, here’s a cheat sheet.
Amy felt like nothing she did was good enough. She wasn’t giving 100% at home and she wasn’t giving 100% at work. She always felt she was half assing it and it left her feeling like a failure.
Carla didn’t give a shit what anyone thought about her. She paid no attention to the people judging her and did what she felt was right for herself and for her son. She wasn’t a helicopter parent. She was a hands-off parent, she owned it and was totally cool with that.
Kiki was always trying to be the perfect mom. She was careful not to make any requests or demands of her husband. She did everything herself, digging herself into a miserable, unsustainable hole.
Then there was that group of over the top PTA moms who were impeccably dressed and carried with them an air of judgment aimed at anyone who wasn’t as pulled together as they were. Which was pretty much all of the other moms.
Their goal seemed to be to put the other moms to shame. One of them openly scoffed when Amy dared to bring store bought donuts to the school bake sale. Their seething judgment of “lesser moms” was palpable.
“Am I a bad mom?” Nope. You’re doing your best!
My takeaway from the film was that no matter which type of mom you are, or which character you identify with most strongly, we are all doing the best we can.
There is no right way to be a mom.
We are all different kinds of good moms.
When you feel the mom guilt coming on and start to wonder (again), “Am I a bad mom?” try to keep in mind that you are the expert on your own child. Trying to replicate someone else’s parenting style doesn’t work because you are not them. And your child is not their child. It is OK to trust that you know your child and that the way you parent is what you deem best for you and your family. Nobody knows your child the way that you do.
How to deal with parenting guilt? Let go of expectations and fear
So much parenting guilt comes from the expectations we create for ourselves or the expectations we allow others to place on us. So many moms fear judgment from others. They wonder, “What will everyone think if….”
The power of this fear combined with the attempt to avoid judgment can make us say and do some stupid shit.
We’ve got to let it go.
So many moms (except for Carla) spend so much time and emotional energy trying to be the perfect mom. And trying to avoid having anyone judge us. And newsflash-people will judge you. It is impossible to prevent and no matter what you do, there will be people who judge you. Getting OK with that fact is a far better goal than trying to control what others think about you.
Trying so hard to be perfect can be exhausting and debilitating.
I get it. Parenting is a huge responsibility. We want to do right by our kids. The fact that you are reading this is proof that you care deeply and want to be the best parent you can possibly be.
But when our anxiety dictates our choices, it actually makes our parenting less effective. When you are parenting from a place of fear, your judgment becomes clouded and it is harder to make sound decisions because that fear is sooooo loud and so pushy and it tries really hard to take over. Being able to acknowledge the fear or the “what ifs” and tell them to take a hike is a great place to begin.
How to deal with parenting guilt? Trust your gut!
What if instead of letting anxiety win or looking to see what other moms are doing to guide our decision making, we tuned into what our own guts are telling us?
I really believe that this is the key: leaning in to discovering what your true parenting style is and catching yourself when you fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others, comparing your parenting to someone else’s parenting or comparing your child to someone else’s child. It’s apples and oranges. And it is unhelpful and ineffective.
Tuning into our own intuitive powers instead of blindly following the crowd is a fabulous goal to strive for.
We must embrace the concept of being a good enough mom.
Imagine the head space that will be freed up if we can fully embrace that concept. That being a good enough mom is good enough. Yeah, it takes some time to wrap your head around that idea but promise that you’ll think on it. Sounds radical but it’s actually so very freeing!
What to do now
Next time you start wondering “But what will they think…” I encourage you to stop and consider the bigger question: Why do you care so much what they think?
Strive to get comfortable with the fact that people will judge you and people will think things about you and you can’t control that. And that’s OK. You can STILL decide to move forward with confidence in your own judgment and your own abilities.
And as with most things, this is easier said than done. If you need support in this area, I’m here to help.