How to deal with dating app fatigue and find your dream partner
Remember when you first downloaded the dating apps?
You tentatively but excitedly download a few of the “better” apps. You wrote a cute and witty profile, you posted kick ass photos and were pretty sure you would soon be inundated with eager suitors lining up to meet you. And you figured with the sheer number of eligible guys on these apps, OF COURSE you would meet a great guy-probably a bunch of great guys and the hard part would be choosing between all of them.
So how did you end up here? With a wicked case of dating app fatigue, mindlessly swiping through hundreds of guys who just seem to be looking for casual hookups and one-night stands?
You (perhaps naively) thought that if a guy is taking the time to create dating profiles, then he surely must be interested in meeting someone for a long-term relationship. But now that you feel like a dating veteran with dating app battle scars, you’ve found that there are a shit ton of guys out there who have no interest in a serious or long-term relationship-that many of the guys on these apps are just looking for something casual or an occasional hookup. Sure, maybe there are guys on there who really are looking for a life partner. But you need to wade through a ton of frogs in that dating pond to find them.
And this is how you acquired the syndrome I like to call dating app fatigue.
If you think you are suffering from dating app fatigue, the first step is admitting you have a problem.
Kidding. But not about the second step. This is very important. The second step is getting clear about what it is that you are looking for. Are you looking for hookups? Be real with yourself-are you or are you not? If you are not, then get clear and boundaried about that and stop worrying that you will chase a guy off by being too serious or too much or too prudish. Proudly opt out of hookup culture if it’s not what you’re about. And the guys who ghost you because of that were never right for you in the first place.
When you are confident in what your needs and wants are, you can go into dating with a clearer intent and strategy. As luck would have it, I happen to have a tool that can help you to find that clarity. I call it my “secret weapon dating guide,” and you can get it for free right now.
How to find a partner? Swipe intentionally
Once you know what you’re looking for, I suggest following the advice I gave to The List in an April 2023 interview: "Don't just focus on their photos — they can be beautiful and photogenic. That doesn't mean they're a good fit for you! "Look for red-flag phrases like 'looking for something casual,' or 'not looking to be serious.'"
Once you start talking to a guy, be clear about your boundaries right from the start. Like I told The List, "Do not exchange sexual photos, engage in sexual banter or innuendo via text. And if someone tries to take you down that road, there's the sign you needed that this isn't a good fit."
How to find a partner? Stick to your boundaries
Should you settle when starting a new relationship? No. Not when it comes to the important stuff. And that stuff is different for everyone.
I’m not saying it’s easy-if you see a really cute guy it can be hard to think straight! You might really want to swipe right but his profile communicates that he’s in no way looking for something serious. But he’s so cute! And look how great he looks without his shirt on! (Sidenote-I have it on good authority that guys who post lots of shirtless pictures in front of a mirror are players. I can’t back this up with actual evidence but I tend to believe it to be true). Please always keep your long term goals in front of mind and swipe accordingly. Don’t get distracted by a pair of shiny white teeth or some ripped biceps. Especially if they come with a side dish of bright red flags.
If you’re struggling and need some guidance or a reality check, you can reach out to friends or a to professional to help you.
My small group coaching program, Stop Dating Assholes!, teaches you how to date intentionally and strategically and we talk a whole lot about red flags, what they look like and how to spot them a mile away!
How to find a partner? Know when to take a break
If the dating app fatigue is really bringing you down and you dread even opening the dating app or the idea of going on another terrible first date makes you want to pull your fingernails out one by one, then please, for the love of mud, take a break. Delete the apps off your phone and step away from the apps!!! It is ok to get off that roller coaster for a bit.
Pay attention to your body, to your mind and to your soul. Maybe you need to refocus your energy towards yourself and go all out on the self care. Do the things that light you up-whatever those things are. Yoga keeps you centered? Do more yoga. Facials or massages more your thing? Make an appointment. Like now. Spending the day in your pj’s watching your favorite 80s movies ALL DAY? (Or is that just me)? Well, whatever your thing is, do it and then do more of it. I am a HUGE fan of self-care.
Dating can suck. Like, really suck. So please take care of yourself throughout the dating process, take breaks as you need and continue to engage in self care along the way. If you need to limit your time on dating apps to 10 minutes a day, so be it. If you only want to go on 1 date a month, that’s cool too. If you want to schedule 2 dates a week, knock yourself out. Whatever works for you. Just be honest with yourself about what you need, don’t pretend to be anyone that you’re not and take the best care of yourself that you possibly can. Always.
A great guy might be out there and if you want to find one, I would love to help you along in that process. And if you prefer to stay single, I love that for you.