How to argue with your partner
How to argue with your partner… well. That’s a loaded question. Because when you’re in a committed relationship for any length of time, conflict is inevitable.
Like I said in a recent article for Celebrity Parents Magazine, “All couples fight and if they don’t, there’s lots that’s being ignored and not being said.”
In fact, whenever a client tells me she and her partner never argue, alarm bells go off in my head-I ask myself, “Hmmm, what is NOT being discussed in this relationship!”
Arguing and working through conflict are normal parts of a healthy relationship. No matter how much you want it to be, your relationship just isn’t going to be fun all the time. You will annoy each other and piss each other off. And that’s ok. Blowups happen, each of you will get grouchy or irritable and that’s ok. Holding it all inside in an effort to keep the peace is only building up a whole lot of resentment that will appear somehow, somewhere, someway, you just won’t have as much control over what that looks like.
In a healthy, mature relationship, you should be able to use conflict to clear the air and actually strengthen your relationship. Conflict is not inherently a bad thing. It’s more about how you argue that determines the effectiveness.
Here’s how to argue with your partner
Don’t be conflict averse!! Don’t be afraid to speak up and to let your partner know when they have done or said something that upset you or annoyed you. Obviously you don’t have to bring up every little thing, but for the bigger stuff or the stuff that keeps happening, you need to use your words!
It might feel uncomfortable for you to have a difficult conversation -especially if you grew up in a house where conflict was not allowed or conversely if you grew up in a house where there was conflict all over the place. It might feel icky to speak up or ask for what you need. And that’s ok. It is ok to feel icky or anxious and do it anyway. Learn to tolerate feeling uncomfortable and it will get easier over time.
Keep in mind what the goal of the argument is: to let them know how you feel about something and what you would like to see changed or done in the future to avoid this issue popping up again. Always keep in mind what topic you are discussing and try not to throw in all the other things they do that annoy you, or you risk your message getting lost and coming across as just being cranky and looking for a fight.
You really can step into conflict in a healthy way that has a positive effect on your relationship.
Effective communication is key to making sure that happens. “But how do I do that”? Read on my dear…
How to argue with your partner by communicating effectively
The Celebrity Parents article mentioned a few ways to ensure you are communicating effectively, especially during an argument.
First, remember that this is your partner and (hopefully) this is a person that you love and respect.
Second, remember your own boundaries and honor them. We talk a lot about boundaries and practicing radical self care around here, and it’s perfectly fine to have boundaries and ensure you’re caring for yourself when it comes to arguing as well. For example, if you find you are getting overwhelmed or need time to think about something your partner has said, ask for a time out to gather your thoughts, articulate what you’d like to say and then revisit the conversation. Just because your partner is a better arguer than you are or because they can think faster on their feet doesn’t mean that an argument is destined to be unproductive. If you need time, take the time. It is always ok to come back to an issue after you’ve had time to think on it.
Third, make sure you’re listening to your partner. Listening is super duper important and be careful not to just talk and talk and then think of what you’re going to say next while your partner is speaking. Really listen to them. Now, if your partner is being disrespectful, hurtful, or manipulative during an argument, that’s a huge red flag and you might need professional help to figure out how to handle it.
Fourth, take breaks if you need to. Even if you are both comfortably articulating your points of view, it’s ok to table the discussion and revisit it in the future.
Fifth, stay on topic. Don’t bring up how annoying his mother is or that thing he did 7 years ago-stay on point!
“But my boyfriend and I keep fighting”
So you have recurring arguments? Arguing about the same thing over and over again and it never gets resolved? Honey, you are not alone!
Maybe it’s about money, sex, or how you feel you do more than your fair share of the housework or cooking. Maybe you feel he gets more “me” time than you do and you are feeling resentful.
Having recurring arguments with similar themes is normal and I have some not so happy news for you: in relationships, there are some issues that never get fixed, they are just managed. Maybe your partner knows that his dirty laundry on the floor drives you nuts, you’ve told him that 1,000 times and still he doesn’t put his stuff in the hamper. Yes that’s annoying, and yes, you can decide to give up that fight and just pick the stuff up and put it in the hamper yourself. Is it fair? No. But is that the argument you want to continue to have? Maybe not. Maybe you want to reserve your energy for the bigger more significant stuff that might be coming down the pike. There’s something to be said for picking your battles.
If you’re finding that you and your partner are stuck and really want to address a problem but don’t feel equipped to do so, a couples therapist might be a good option.
If he’s not willing to work with you, you could also try individual therapy or coaching. You’d be surprised how much change can happen when one person does the work and is able to change their actions or reactions. It can shift the dynamic in the relationship for the better. I’ve seen it happen countless times. So if he won’t go for therapy, you go. And don’t get stuck in the resentment of feeling like it’s not fair that you’re the only one doing the work. Just go and consider it a gift you are giving to your relationship.
My wish for you is that all your future arguments are productive and worthwhile. Don’t be afraid to speak up and don’t be afraid of having an argument. There might be some good stuff on the other side. And if you need more support, please feel free to reach out. Always remember, I’m here for you!