3 Radical Self-Care Habits I Highly Recommend as a Therapist and Coach
It can be a struggle to learn how to make time for what’s important in life, much less for radical self-care.
I say radical self care because I know the term self care is thrown around a lot these days when people talk about facials and bubble baths, but that’s not what I’m talking about.
I’m talking about learning how to make time for what is important in life.
I’m talking about being at your best so you can show up for others who love and need you.
I’m talking about reclaiming the word “selfish” as a glorious, positive trait.
I’m talking about real change.
How to Make Time for Radical Self Care.
For the past 20+ years, I’ve worked with hundreds of women as a therapist and coach, and I’ve noticed that so many of us view taking care of ourselves as selfish.
I am here to tell you – unequivocally – that it doesn’t have to be that way.
The first thing we need to do to create change in this area is to understand where we are in our radical self-care journey.
I suggest thinking about how you define selfishness. Is it a positive or a negative? Then, consider how you define people-pleasing. Many would say selfishness is bad and people-pleasing is good, right?
I would say that just the opposite is true. To take care of yourself is a fantastic thing. Putting your own needs aside to care for others will likely over time lead to resentment.
Now to be clear, when I talk about selfishness, I don’t mean taking all the cookies and hiding them away so only you can enjoy them, or telling your child you won’t be cooking dinner anymore because you just don’t want to.
I’m talking about getting in touch with what you need, what lights you up, and carving out sacred time to feed your soul.
People Pleasing Keeps You from Making Time for What is Important in Life.
Pathological people pleasing is more about doing what others want at the expense of yourself and your own needs. An example would be you having the day off, counting down the minutes until your few blissful hours of wandering the aisles of Target uninterrupted when someone asks you to come to a Tupperware party with them. Assuming you have no interest in that, a people pleaser might say yes, not wanting to upset or disappoint the Tupperware party host. She might think that to say no would be selfish and might make the other person upset.
How do you think about the terms selfishness and people-pleasing? Do you see them as positives or negatives or somewhere in between? Do you attach judgment to either term?
Think about that as we discuss habits that can help.
Radical Self Care Habit #1: Draw Boundaries
Do you have any boundaries? Do you even really understand what someone means when they talk about boundaries?
Many of us don’t. We find our work creeping into our time with our families, we are afraid to say no to people and end up putting our needs on the back burner, or just letting our own needs go by the wayside.
It may feel kind and generous at times, but when it becomes habitual and when our own needs are routinely cast aside, it has officially become a problem.
Setting boundaries around time, relationships, and self care is hard work, but the alternative—a lack of boundaries—means losing sight of who we are and what is important in life.
Try rehearsing, practicing, and then using a few prepared phrases. Some of my favorites include, “That doesn’t work for me” and “Let me get back to you.” Those aren’t questions, they don’t invite debate, and they don’t sound wishy-washy. If you are feeling really bold, you can just say “no”, but if it were that easy for you, you likely wouldn’t be reading this article.
You can also set boundaries by putting your phone away in the evenings to spend time with your family, watch a movie, or do another activity you love. Whoever it is texting you can surely wait until you decide to check your phone. Believe it or not, there was a time when, once you left work or your home, you were unreachable. It’s ok to be out of touch for a while. Protecting your time is vitally important and if you don’t set that boundary, nobody else will. Trust me on that one.
And here is the #1 takeaway. Saying “no,” does not make you a bitch. It makes you a confident woman who knows her mind. And who doesn’t love a woman like that!?
Radical Self Care Habit #2: Prioritize Yourself and Your Downtime
We live in a culture of martyrdom. It’s a badge of honor to put yourself last and to do everything for other people, leaving no energy to take care of yourself.
It’s a cliche but it's also true that you can’t pour from an empty cup.
When you have an injury and your doctor prescribes physical therapy, you might groan about how much time it will take and fret about how you will possibly find three hours a week to get there, but you’ll still do it. You make it work because it’s important.
Radical self-care is no different. Mental health is just as important as physical health. There is value in recharging, vegging, and not being “productive”.
“Productivity” is another word I would like to redefine. I think we should view downtime with the same respect as we view doing tasks. I encourage you to embrace downtime and relax proudly with no shame!
Radical Self Care Habit #3: Learn How to Make Time For What Is Important In Life
I bet most of us could list five things we would love to do, but feel like we don’t have time for.
I want to encourage you to make time for those things.
“But how?” you ask.
I have a few suggestions.
Start small
You don’t have to take an hour-long walk every day. Start with five minutes down the street or around the block. Maybe you have multiple five-minute chunks of time throughout the day. Maybe you can take the time you use scrolling your phone to do something truly restful!Wake up a little earlier or stay up a little later
Don’t sacrifice your sleep! Sleep is one of the best ways to care for yourself. But if there’s something you want to do first thing in the morning before the day gets too crazy or right before bed when no one else needs you, try shifting your routine slightly.Ask for help
Your partner, family, and close friends likely care about your well being. Explain to them that you’re trying to make small changes to prioritize what’s important in life, and ask them to help you get rid of distractions and hold you accountable. I’m also ready and excited to help you on your radical self-care journey. Keep reading to learn more.
All of this might sound completely overwhelming to you. Or maybe it sounds like something you’re excited to try as soon as you’re finished reading this blog (which, by the way, already counts as an act of radical self care)! In either case, I’m here to help.
My new course, Are You Mad At Me? is a six-week, virtual, group program where women learn to stop overthinking and start living boldly.
Taking care of yourself is a game changer in a zillion ways. Sign up below to hear about all the details.