Why is Online Dating So Hard?

Why is online dating so hard?!

You hear it all the time-dating sucks! It can be incredibly challenging and frustrating.

But, what if you’re doing it wrong? If dating is hard-–maybe even impossible—it might be because you’re making some easily-avoidable mistakes. 

Throughout my 20 years as a therapist and coach, I’ve watched women make many of the same dating mistakes over and over. In this post, I’ll outline a few of those mistakes so you can learn from them and hopefully avoid those same missteps in your own dating journey. 

If you’re finding dating is hard, here are four mistakes you might be making on your hunt for true dating compatibility.

1. You mistake attractiveness for dating compatibility 

We’ve all been there: You see an amazing photo of a beautiful man on a dating app, and you swipe right before you have time to logically think things through or even take another look at his profile. 

Being attracted to someone is one factor in a relationship, but it’s not everything, and just because you think a guy is hot doesn’t mean you’ll have great dating compatibility with him. Don’t be tempted to keep a relationship going with someone based on physical attraction alone.

It’s like trying to bake a cake when all you have is eggs. You need the right ingredients in a relationship and chemistry is just one of many of those ingredients. 

Next time you are tempted to swipe right based on nothing but looks, take a breath and read his bio. That goes for guys you find attractive and for those you might not be immediately drawn to physically-try to get a sense of who this person is, not just what he looks like or how photogenic he is. Keep in mind what your relationship goals are and what your criteria are for a good match and don’t let photos be the only thing you use to rule him in or rule him out.

2. You misinterpret emotional unavailability for “depth” 

Maybe it seems sexy and exciting at the beginning of a relationship when a guy seems mysterious, complex or unavailable. But after a while, it can make you feel that your own needs are too much, that you’re too demanding, and that your expectations are out of whack.

Of course, it’s good to check in with yourself to be sure that your needs are within reason. If they are and he is not willing or able to give you what you need-whether that’s transparency, time, attention, or commitment……then your search continues. 

If he makes you feel like you are ridiculous for asking for your needs to be met, or like it's your job to convince him to meet your needs, it’s time to get out of the relationship. 

3. You convince yourself his bad behaviors are OK 

Maybe he’s flirting with someone else. You might think, “Well, I guess that’s OK since we’re not official.” 

Maybe he promises he’ll be somewhere, but shows up late or not at all. “He probably just got caught up with work,” you decide.

But when these small yet insidious things start to add up, it’s not OK. Do not allow someone to disrespect you and then convince yourself that it’s no big deal. 

It’s 100% true that actions speak louder than words. A guy can tell you anything on a dating app or even face to face. He can make promises and tell you he’s the most honest guy you’ll ever meet but at the end of the day, none of those words matter. 

It’s normal for you to want to believe his words, but remember this: Actions Always Trump Words. If a guy says one thing and does another thing, pay attention to that other thing. When you pay close attention to a guy’s behavior and stop making excuses for him, you won’t have to wonder where you stand. His behavior will tell you everything you need to know. 

Trust is perhaps the most crucial component in a relationship and there is no shortcut to building trust. It’s only created through consistency over time.

4. You rule guys out for superficial reasons 

Do you find yourself complaining that the only guys left in the dating pool are divorcees with kids from a previous marriage, trust issues and a ton of baggage? Do you feel like only jerks and losers use dating apps? That everyone on dating apps is horrible, sketchy, or unattractive?

I have to chuckle if you use these words to describe people on dating apps if you yourself are there too! And I imagine you are none of those things!! Right? 

Don’t be too quick to make assumptions about someone else’s story. Online dating brings up unique challenges, but it’s not impossible and there are tons of success stories resulting from online dating.. 

However, if you’re struggling, it might be time to reevaluate your criteria. If you’re waiting to find a guy who ticks every one of your 72 boxes, you might never be successful at finding a partner.

Do they tick at least half? That means you found some dating compatibility! Give it a shot! 

Feel Like Dating is Hard and Finding Dating Compatibility is Impossible? I Can Help.

Speaking of boxes, if you read this post and checked the box of every mistake I listed, my new course, Stop Dating Assholes! is for you. In this six-week, small group course, you’ll learn strategies to avoid dating mistakes, learn to date purposefully and systematically and increase the likelihood of meeting a guy you could see yourself with long term. Dating is hard, but together we can make it easier. Learn more and sign up below.