Will I ever get a boyfriend?!
“Will I ever get a boyfriend? Who will take care of me when I’m old?” What if I die alone?
There’s lots of fears in these questions. So let’s explore them and see if we can alleviate some of the worry. And maybe…just maybe the right guy for you is just around the corner.
While dating can be filled with exciting “what ifs” and lots of possibilities, there may also be some fear and anxiety that lie below the surface when your mind starts going down the road of, “but what if I never ever meet anyone.” Those feelings are real and they are valid-so let’s dive in.
Will I ever get a boyfriend? Statistically, yes.
Just from a numbers standpoint, it is very likely that you will meet someone and decide to settle down with that person. The Pew Research Center estimates that the number of people who have never been married is only between 17 and 33 percent. That’s a relatively small number and in that percentage, there is likely a whole bunch of people who have no interest in being married!
If you do want to get married, I want to support you in that. I certainly don’t want you to feel rushed and just settle for the next guy who comes along. Instead, you should know what you want and be super clear in what and who you are looking for as you continue on your dating journey.
Will I ever get a boyfriend? Well, what if you don’t?
It’s OK to be single. I know, I know, you don’t want to be single forever. But the truth is that without a crystal ball, none of us knows what the future holds. It is totally possible for you to begin to consider the idea of being a free agent. Maybe you will meet a great guy, but if that doesn’t end up happening, you can still have an awesome and very full life. All I ask is that you begin to allow yourself to think about what it might look like if you remained single and what might be the good parts of that. It might help alleviate some of the pressure you may be putting on yourself to hurry up and find someone already.
Lying awake at night wondering why your life hasn’t turned out like you planned, and spiraling into a deep, dark place is not productive. In psychology, we even have a name for this kind of thinking: catastrophizing.
According to the American Psychological Association, "People are said to be catastrophizing when they think that the worst possible outcome will occur from a particular action or in a particular situation or when they feel as if they are in the midst of a catastrophe in situations that may be serious and upsetting but are not necessarily disastrous.”
Stop catastrophizing
The first step to stop catastrophizing thinking is to be aware that you’re doing it. It usually starts with a “what if” and then boom….you’re spiraling into all the doomsday scenarios your mind can conjure up.
When you find yourself doing this, pause and ask yourself what you are afraid of. And allow yourself to sit with that thought and that feeling. Sometimes it can be helpful to play a catastrophizing thought through because you may realize that regardless of how the situation plays out, you will be able to handle it. Very often you will realize that your fears are really only thoughts and not likely to come to fruition.
For example, if you took a class, and you were scared of failing a test, you might think, “If I fail one test, I will never catch up, and I will fail the class. If I fail the class, my GPA won’t be high enough to graduate. If I don’t graduate, I won’t get the job that I wanted. If I don't get the job that I wanted, I will have to settle for another job with lower pay.”
That means that being paid less than you wanted is your worst-case scenario. And that would suck.
But, would it really be the end of the world? And by the way, throughout that whole negative thought loop, there are lots of opportunities to change course. Like getting a tutor, retaking the class, realizing that even if you get a low grade in the course, you are likely to still be eligible to graduate!
A second exercise you could try is thinking about the best-case scenario. What if I kick ass on this test? What if I get the highest grade in the whole class? What if my class ranking increases and I graduate right at the tippy top? And then I get a fantastic job and have a happy life! Yipee!!!
Reality is probably somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. Just the way that the reality is that you will at some point meet your person and that you won’t die alone.
Finally, when it comes to catastrophizing you have to know when to stop. It’s easier said than done, but you do have the power to decide which thoughts get to stay and which thoughts you kick to the curb. Distract yourself, move on to the next activity, or take some time for some self care. The self care option is my personal favorite!
It’s OK to be single—really!
Just because you’re not in a relationship now doesn’t mean you’ll never be! But I encourage you to not put your life on hold while you look to meet someone. Live your life!!! Whether or not you meet “the one,” you are a worthwhile, badass woman and you don’t need anyone to complete you. You are whole just as you are today.
Your real life is happening now, and your time is valuable. Don’t waste your time or energy worrying about the what if’s.
Take care of yourself, really nurture yourself and fill yourself up with things that make you the happiest version of you. And who knows…maybe that competent confident version of you becomes an asset in meeting someone you really connect with. But if that doesn’t happen, you’re still A-OK!
My six week group coaching course encourages you to take your time to think through what you really want in a relationship and will teach you how to meet the right guy. Together, we evaluate your past dating experiences, identify your habits, and help you practice healthy dating.
Will I ever get a boyfriend? YES!
I truly believe that if you want a boyfriend, you can get a boyfriend, and I’m here to support you. Reach out, and let’s get started finding you the partner you’re looking for.