How to trust your gut when it comes to dating
Have you ever heard someone talk about listening to their gut and you don’t understand what the hell they are even talking about? Don’t you worry, we will get you in touch with your gut-the gift that is always talking to you and trying to help you out if you will listen. I will help you learn how to trust your gut when it comes to dating. And as an added bonus, you might just end up applying it to other areas of your life too! I have been a therapist and a coach for many years and when you ignore your gut feelings, you do so at your own peril. So let’s get to it!
Gut feelings are important and are your body’s way of trying to get your attention. They are especially important when it comes to dating. Your gut can keep you safe, it can help you avoid getting your heart broken, and it can be used as a guide as you work toward your goal of finding a long-term, healthy partnership.
Ready to start hearing what that gut is trying to tell you? Let’s get to it!
As you’re learning how to trust your gut, you’ll need to pay some attention and tune into the feelings you have. Let’s start with the negative gut feelings. I often think of those as starting in your tummy area-a yucky I-don’t-like-this feeling and as I write this I am scrunching up my nose and shaking my head. It feels like something isn’t right and though you might not be able to clearly articulate it, you just know that something is off and doesn’t sit well with you.
In dating, this might feel like what a guy is telling you and what you’re feeling don’t match-he said he was going out with the guys but something is telling you that he’s out with another woman-maybe you can’t be 1000% sure, but your gut is telling you he’s lying to you. Of course there is always the possibility that you are allowing fear or suspicion to take over, but you first need to tune into that gut feeling and listen to what it is trying to tell you. Maybe some additional exploration is needed and you need to pay closer attention to his behavior moving forward to see if your gut feeling has merit. Maybe he’s done some other things in the past that have you questioning his honesty and sincerity and you just know he’s not being truthful. If someone is being straight with you, you are less likely to sense that something is off. It’s when your body is screaming, “Are you kidding me…that’s bullshit” that you need to listen up and pay attention. At the very least a strong gut feeling requires a little more digging to see if your concerns are valid.
Then there are the good gut feelings. I think about when I met the woman who I would eventually go into business with…I just knew from the minute I met her that we were a good team. There was no deliberating about it, no questioning if I was making the right decision-I just knew. And that was my gut leading me right where I needed to be. And by the way, it’s been like 17 years and I have never for one second regretted that decision.
If you are someone who struggles with anxiety and fear, it might feel like those feelings are ever present and that you’ve never made a decision without feeling that fear and anxiety. Which is not that uncommon-especially if you are making a change or trying a new behavior; fear is part of that process. And think about it-it makes total sense that you would feel anxious or nervous about doing something that might be out of your comfort zone or trying something new-anxiety can also have elements of excitement and it can be hard to tell them apart.
But sometimes we mistake that feeling of fear or uncertainty as being our gut or intuition speaking to us, so learning how to tell the difference is really important.
Fear and anxiety are typically part of the process when embarking on something new and often have a dash of excitement-sort of like getting on a roller coaster. You might be absolutely positive that you want to ride the coaster, but your stomach is doing flips and you’re nervous and scared and thrilled all at the same time. I hate roller coasters so I’ll be standing on the side waving as you do the loop de loops, feeling nauseous just watching.
Your gut, or your intuition feels more like a power larger than yourself trying to communicate with you. Have you ever met someone and immediately gotten a bad vibe from them? They might not have done anything wrong, you just know you don’t trust them and will avoid them. There is an example of your gut talking to you. Conversely, have you ever met someone and felt instantly connected and you just knew that this was someone you wanted in your life and you didn’t need to take time to think about it…you just knew? There’s your gut again.
OK, so now that we are clear on what a gut feeling looks and feels like, let’s talk about how that applies to dating decisions.
How to Trust Your Gut Tip 1: Start Small
The entire process of dating is decision making at every turn. Do I want to go on a date with this person? Do I want to block this person and never speak to them again? Let’s say you go out with someone-next you need to decide how you feel about them, do you feel like it’s a good fit? If you want to see them again, do you reach out or do you wait for them to reach out? How much contact is too much, how do you convey interest without coming across as desperate? So much to think about!!!
To practice decision making and to further learn how to trust your gut, I encourage you to start small. Pay attention to some of the many decisions you make on a daily basis.
When someone asks you to do something, do you want to do it? What does your gut say? Is your gut saying, “Are you kidding me? You’re overcommitted as it is…you need to say NO”.
You can practice this within safe relationships as well. Do you want to meet your friend on Friday night, or do you want to stay home? Do you want to go for lunch or coffee? What makes those kinds of choices feel right? What is your gut telling you?
Once you feel more in touch with your gut, you can start tuning into what your gut is telling you with the bigger stuff-like who you want to date or consider as a potential life partner.
How to Trust Your Gut Tip 2: Get Specific
As you learn how to trust your gut, and before you start seriously dating, you should know:
What you’re looking for
What you feel comfortable with on a date
What you feel comfortable with in a relationship
How fast you want the relationship to go
What your relationship goals are.
Getting clear about those can help you identify their opposites. If you know you want someone who is interested in a serious relationship that leads to marriage in the future, and you find yourself on a date with a guy who isn’t sure what he wants, or is wishy-washy on the idea of marriage or straight up tells you he’s not looking for anything serious, you’ll know what to do. You’ll be able to trust your gut and move forward with confidence.
I have a fantastic free resource to help you start small when getting clear about dating with strategy and intention. And it will help you start listening to what your gut tells you about what are the absolute most important things you need and want in a partner. Check it out, use it and please reach out for help if you need more support! I’m here for you. Consider me your partner in dating, gut trusting and life! xo